LOOK: Which Detroit Lion represents each Thanksgiving dish?

There are few traditions Detroiters hold near and dear to their hearts: freezing their asses off during parades, drinking Vernors to cure headaches, belting out the first part of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” and watching the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day.

I don’t know what time your family starts their Thanksgiving activities, but the one constant across every home is that there is food, and lots of it. From the absolute magnificence that is cheesy potatoes to the utter abomination of baked beans, all these dishes and more can be found scattered across your table being passed around like blame in the Matt Millen era. We at DSN decided to give our readers the comparison they didn’t know they needed.

If YOUR favorite Lions player was a Thanksgiving dish, which would they be?

MATTHEW STAFFORD

Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford (9) throws a pass during the second quarter against the New York Giants at Ford Field. (Photo: Andrew Weber, USA TODAY Sports)

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Stafford is the turkey. He drives the whole dinner plate that is the Lions. He can carve you up or stuff the ball into the end zone when need be. The white meat vs. dark meat debate is also parallel to “Is Stafford elite?”


JIM CALDWELL

NFL: Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Dec 11, 2016; Detroit, MI, USA; Detroit Lions head coach Jim Caldwell looks on during the fourth quarter against the Chicago Bears at Ford Field. The Lions won 20-17. Mandatory Credit: Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

Yams. Bland and boring and always there, Coach “Yams” Caldwell is the dish that does just enough to not completely ruin Thanksgiving as a whole.


DARIUS SLAY

NFL: Minnesota Vikings at Detroit Lions
Nov 24, 2016; Detroit, MI, USA; Detroit Lions cornerback Darius Slay (23) celebrates after making an interception during the fourth quarter against the Minnesota Vikings at Ford Field. Lions win 16-13. Mandatory Credit: Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

There is only one dish that makes sense for the smooth, smothering, and should be All-Pro cornerback, and that is gravy. Both cover everything and are the staple to their respective squads.


ERIC EBRON

NFL: NFC Wild Card-Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks
January 7, 2017; Seattle, WA, USA; Detroit Lions tight end Eric Ebron (85) reaches for a pass against the Seattle Seahawks during the second half in the NFC Wild Card playoff football game at CenturyLink Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Ebron is baked beans because he’s no good for anybody. The perennial disappointment around the Thanksgiving dinner table, Ebron hasn’t been able to elevate his game and reliability level to mashed potatoes since being drafted in the first round.


EZEKIEL ANSAH

NFL: Chicago Bears at Detroit Lions
Dec 11, 2016; Detroit, MI, USA; Detroit Lions defensive end Ezekiel Ansah (94) walks off the field before the game against the Chicago Bears at Ford Field. Lions win 20-17. Mandatory Credit: Raj Mehta-USA TODAY Sports

I don’t agree with the heathens at DSN, but apparently, everybody in the world except me thinks that stuffing is overrated, so this is the perfect spot for Ziggy Ansah. Stuffing is essentially a lot of leftover scraps thrown together in an attempt to make something delicious. Ziggy is the perfect build for a defensive end but falls short of the dominance we’d like to see.


THEO RIDDICK

NFL: Jacksonville Jaguars at Detroit Lions
Nov 20, 2016; Detroit, MI, USA; Detroit Lions running back Theo Riddick (25) runs the ball during the second quarter against the Jacksonville Jaguars at Ford Field. Mandatory Credit: Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

Time for my favorite dish and favorite Lion. Theo Riddick is cheesy potatoes. Get ’em quick or they’re gone. There’s never enough cheesy potatoes at the dinner table, and there’s never enough Theo Riddick on the football field. Let’s get more of both so we can avoid this conversation next year.


MATT PRATER

NFL: NFC Wild Card-Detroit Lions at Seattle Seahawks
January 7, 2017; Seattle, WA, USA; Detroit Lions kicker Matt Prater (5) kicks a field goal against the Seattle Seahawks during the first half in the NFC Wild Card playoff football game at CenturyLink Field. Mandatory Credit: Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Prater is apple pie. He’s the perfect way to end a ball game just like dessert is the perfect way to end a holiday meal. Seeing Prater trot out in the last two minutes of a ball game can only be matched by seeing the dinner dishes cleared and that hot steaming dessert coming around the corner.

That’s all we have, we apologize to any dishes and players that didn’t make the cut, and if you think of any more comparisons let us know in the comments below.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!