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How every Detroit Lions fan truly feels about the Vikings success

The Minnesota Vikings stunned the sports world last weekend when they scored the first ever playoff regulation walk-off touchdown to beat the New Orleans Saints and are one game away from becoming the first team to ever host a Super Bowl.

And as a Detroit Lions’ fan, it makes me absolutely sick to the bitter gut-wrenching pits of my stomach.

No, this is not college football where fans of excluded postseason teams spinelessly root for their rival squads because they share the same conference or division. You know the adage, “Well, if that team is good then that means our conference is good, which means our team is good, too.” Actually, if you think that way you’re likely an idiot. You’re not about to hear me chanting “N-F-C North! N-F-C North!” Never in my lifetime. I’d rather cheer on my receding hairline.

As a matter of fact, I have quite a different feeling. A feeling that probably resonates in the majority of passionate Lions fans, near and far. It is a sour, excruciating feeling of “why’s” and “how’s” that find me rooting against the Vikings in every game this playoff season, because I can’t find a sound reason in heaven on why they are there and we… well, we are on a nice, warm butt-imprinted couch.

Sounds very jealous and low, doesn’t it? I couldn’t care less. I feel high for confessing such a truth.

The Lions actually beat the Vikings this season and should have beaten them twice. Why? Because Minnesota is really not that good. Especially their offense.

Vikings quarterback Case Keenum is a career depth chart bottom-dweller who probably sold his soul to the devil to get Sam Bradford to go down early in the season, just to show the world all the black magic abilities he acquired. Keenum couldn’t hold Matt Stafford’s warm jock strap in an Alaskan winter storm, yet every bit of glory is falling from the stars in Case’s favor. When Bradford went down and soon after, Aaron Rodgers, you could not tell a Lions’ fan a word. We were already champs.

*Sad pause*

The Vikings lose stud rookie running back Dalvin Cook against the Lions and precede to roll out free agent bust Latavius Murray and some guy with the last name McKinnon. I actually thought Minnesota might finish below the Chicago Bears in the standings.

But noooooo…. the cards were always in their favor. I’ll give the Minnesota defense credit as being good but that’s about it. Good. Here’s a cookie for that.

Was I amazed at the ending of the Vikings-Saints game this past Sunday? Of course. Were they supposed to win? Hell no. Am I rooting for the Eagles to beat them by 28 this weekend in Philly? You bet everything you own on it.

This was supposed to be the Lions year but it wasn’t. It hasn’t been our year for my entire existence on planet Earth. Heck, millennials may join their forefathers in living and dying without seeing a Super Bowl parade down Woodward Ave. But I will never sit here and feel good about a divisional opponent playing with a third-string bum at quarterback, a right tackle we essentially gifted them, two trash running backs, and an average group of WR2’s paving their way to the Super Bowl.

I hope they lose and Keenum’s satanic doings are unraveled in the face of every horn-wearing, SKOL-yelling Vikings fan from here to St. Paul. By this time next season, the Vikings scouting department should be planning a top-10 pick for a quarterback in the 2019 NFL draft, to help supplant their run-heavy stagnant offense, because Dalvin Cook can’t handle that much of a workload. Meanwhile, the Lions are doing things (words not to be spoken until it actually happens) led by a head coach with a real Vikings beard and a half-worn No.2 pencil in his ear.

So, if you’re a Vikings fan reading this, then congratulations… I say that with a burning, yearning heart. Must feel great… I say through an intense grinding of teeth. “Go beat the Eagles and represent the NFC North!” That, I will never say.

 

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