Commissioner’s Announcement:
“With the first pick in the 2025 Vatican Draft, the Holy Spirit selects… Robert Francis Prevost to lead Team Catholic Church. Welcome to the Chair of Peter!”
Just moments ago, Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost out of Chicago, IL, was officially named the next Pope, sending white smoke billowing into the sky and cheers echoing across St. Peter’s Square. While the world celebrates his historic selection, we figured it was only fitting to break down his spiritual résumé the only way we know how—NFL scouting report style. From his theological fundamentals to his locker room leadership, here’s the complete draft-style breakdown on the Vatican’s new QB1.
Overview
A high-character prospect with elite intangibles and a calm command of the huddle (and the homily), Cardinal Robert Provost has been named the next Pope—and he didn’t even need to declare early.
Known for his global range, pastoral poise, and ability to lead a diverse locker room of bishops, cardinals, and believers across the world, Provost has steadily climbed the ecclesiastical depth chart. A former missionary and academic with front office experience in the Vatican Curia, Provost now steps into the ultimate leadership role as QB1 of the Catholic Church.
Strengths
- Elite leadership qualities; runs the two-minute liturgy like a pro.
- Sound doctrine fundamentals with impressive versatility across liturgical schemes.
- Shows excellent decision-making under pressure, particularly in high-smoke situations (e.g., white vs. black smoke).
- Team-first mentality with a reputation for lifting others spiritually and emotionally.
- Multilingual communicator—can call plays in Latin, Spanish, and English with ease.
Weaknesses
- Not known for flashy celebrations—prefers quiet reflection over touchdown dances.
- May need time to adjust to increased media blitz coverage.
- Occasionally too humble—rarely spikes the ball, even on doctrinal victories.
Pro Comparison:
A mix of Pope John Paul II’s field vision and Pope Francis’ improvisational leadership—a rare dual-threat in diplomacy and doctrine.
NFL Team Fit:
Would thrive in any franchise in need of moral direction, team unity, or a strong locker-room presence. (Also known to pull off Hail Marys in the fourth quarter.)
Final Grade: 98.7
A franchise-changing leader with Hall of Faith upside. The kind of spiritual cornerstone you build an institution around for generations. Expect Provost to be enshrined in the Eternal Hall of Fame when all is said and done.
