Why your team sucks: 2018 Detroit Lions (Via Deadspin)

Well, Deadspin has begun releasing its “Why your team sucks” edition for each NFL team and today, our Detroit Lions were next in line.

The piece begins by ripping last year’s Lions team for losing to the Cincinnati Bengals on Christmas Eve, destroying their playoff chances.

“All they had to do to keep their playoff hopes alive was beat a cashed-out Bengals team on Christmas Eve. Let’s see how it went!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I can’t believe the Bengals destroyed the playoff hopes of not one, but TWO teams last season. Incredible. Of course, the Lions wouldn’t necessarily have needed that game if they had won some other game earlier in the season, like the one against, oh I dunno, Atlanta. Let’s see how THAT game went!”

Up next, Deadspin took a shot at the Lions for firing Jim Caldwell and hiring Matt Patricia without doing a background check. CLICK HERE TO READ MORE ON THE BASHING OF THE PATRICIA HIRING

“Anyway, the Lions decided to shitcan Jim Caldwell after last season. All Caldwell did was post a winning record in three of four seasons and bring a general air of steadiness to a team that is traditionally in a permanent death spiral. You guys should have been GRATEFUL for mediocrity. Mediocre is pretty much as good as you’re ever gonna get in Detroit, but instead the Ford Family decided to get greedy and hire this man…

Your coach: Matt Patricia. You can tell he’s smart because he has a pencil in his hair! HEY EGGHEAD, TELL ME THE SQUARE ROOT OF AVOGADRO’S NUMBER YOU FUCKING NERD. Anyway, the Lions hired Patricia without bothering to do any kind of cursory background check. SURPRISE!”

Of course, Deadspin could not resist ripping quarterback Matthew Stafford.

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“Your quarterback: It’s Andy Benoit’s favorite quarterback, Matt Stafford! It says a lot about the Lions that Matt Stafford is their greatest modern-era quarterback by FAR and yet they’ll never win dick with him. It’s not like Aaron Rodgers, where you can automatically pencil in 12 wins so long as he’s healthy. With Matt Stafford, you’re gonna get 4,500 passing yards and anywhere from six to ten wins, and that’s about it. He’s gonna make a billion dollars from football and NEVER win a playoff game. He won’t even come close to winning one. It’s inspiring, really. I bet when he retires, he and Kelly Stafford will build the ugliest house in Dallas.”

To read the rest of the piece, which is pretty funny and includes MUCH, MUCH more, click here.

 

 

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