There are few traditions Detroiters hold near and dear to their hearts: freezing their asses off during parades, drinking Vernors to cure headaches, belting out the first part of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing,” and watching the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving Day.
I don’t know what time your family starts their Thanksgiving activities, but the one constant across every home is that there is food, and lots of it. From the absolute magnificence that is cheesy potatoes to the utter abomination of baked beans, all these dishes and more can be found scattered across your table being passed around like blame in the Matt Millen era. We at DSN decided to give our readers the comparison they didn’t know they needed.
If YOUR favorite Lions player was a Thanksgiving dish, which would they be?
MATTHEW STAFFORD
Detroit Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford (9) throws a pass during the second quarter against the New York Giants at Ford Field. (Photo: Andrew Weber, USA TODAY Sports)Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Stafford is the turkey. He drives the whole dinner plate that is the Lions. He can carve you up or stuff the ball into the end zone when need be. The white meat vs. dark meat debate is also parallel to “Is Stafford elite?”
JIM CALDWELL
Yams. Bland and boring and always there, Coach “Yams” Caldwell is the dish that does just enough to not completely ruin Thanksgiving as a whole.
DARIUS SLAY
There is only one dish that makes sense for the smooth, smothering, and should be All-Pro cornerback, and that is gravy. Both cover everything and are the staple to their respective squads.
ERIC EBRON
Ebron is baked beans because he’s no good for anybody. The perennial disappointment around the Thanksgiving dinner table, Ebron hasn’t been able to elevate his game and reliability level to mashed potatoes since being drafted in the first round.
EZEKIEL ANSAH
I don’t agree with the heathens at DSN, but apparently, everybody in the world except me thinks that stuffing is overrated, so this is the perfect spot for Ziggy Ansah. Stuffing is essentially a lot of leftover scraps thrown together in an attempt to make something delicious. Ziggy is the perfect build for a defensive end but falls short of the dominance we’d like to see.
THEO RIDDICK
Time for my favorite dish and favorite Lion. Theo Riddick is cheesy potatoes. Get ’em quick or they’re gone. There’s never enough cheesy potatoes at the dinner table, and there’s never enough Theo Riddick on the football field. Let’s get more of both so we can avoid this conversation next year.
MATT PRATER
Prater is apple pie. He’s the perfect way to end a ball game just like dessert is the perfect way to end a holiday meal. Seeing Prater trot out in the last two minutes of a ball game can only be matched by seeing the dinner dishes cleared and that hot steaming dessert coming around the corner.
That’s all we have, we apologize to any dishes and players that didn’t make the cut, and if you think of any more comparisons let us know in the comments below.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!
