Hey Michigan fans: Here are 10 reasons why your football program is a joke!

Note: The views expressed in this EDITORIAL do not necessarily reflect the views of Detroit Sports Nation or a majority of its writers and should not be misconstrued as such. The views contained within are the views of the author and the author alone. 

*In addition to the above, this piece was all in good fun and is 100% intended to make Michigan vs. Michigan State Week a little more exciting for the fans!

*Originally written in 2015

My disdain for the University of Michigan runs deep. There are a myriad of personal reasons why I despise Ann Arbor, why I will never wear blue and yellow, and why I will forever wish for their demise. Part of it has to do with being one of very few Spartan fans in Metro Detroit in the 2000’s, but part of it has to do with many still-prevalent factors. Hail to hell, Michigan fans; let’s get down to business, here are the top ten reasons why the University of Michigan football program is a joke!

Criticism frightens you

Criticism can really be tough. I understand that fully; especially considering that I braved the John L. Smith era. But there comes a time where truth can seep through and one has to be introspective. Every critique or accurate assessment about your program is seemingly met with extreme defensive behaviors. You cite your wins, your national titles, your eras of dominance, and your bright future under Jesus Harbaugh. That seems a little harsh considering most of the time these criticisms are not waived against your history, but against the current state of your football program (or at least before Harbaugh got there).

As a Spartan fan, I can admit my program had been inept for a very long time. We have had stretches of sheer humiliation and still need to pry hard to get ourselves into the national relevance conversation. Spartan Nation doesn’t like to be slighted when we deserve respect, but we can also accept very relevant criticisms that have to do with the hole Mark Dantonio had to dig us out of (and is seemingly digging us back into as well). Then again, we basically let it seep inside, brush it off for a little bit, and then turn around and use it to dismantle your team. So maybe we aren’t perfect at it either, but it still is something that Michigan fans need to work on.

Those colors are hideous

The “Maize and Blue” color scheme is overdone to the point of exhaustion. What exactly makes your colors so great aside from having a disgusting palette of knock-off gold and navy blue? Every time I see that color combination ‘out in nature’ it’s like a bull to red cloth. Your colors bring out a physical reaction from me, and it isn’t one of respect or jubilation. Even if the “Maize” color were actually something one could look at without inciting vomit, I still wouldn’t like the colors. But hey what do I know, we just have the most iconic logo in all of college sports.

You tried to kick us out of the Big Ten!

You read that right. Even before MSU was in your conference, you were already trying to discredit our program. Here’s the proof of this accusation. That is a pretty severe effort to dismantle a program that “you guys don’t care about”. We tried to get into the Big Ten and almost didn’t because the good ole Maize and Blue tried to block us.

Ironic how that worked considering the dominance Bo Schembechler had over the Spartans.

The “Big House” is an empty, uninspired bowl of boredom

What has always been a bragging right for Wolverines seemed like a hollow cry for attention to me. Just because you have a stadium of 100,000 people doesn’t mean it’s the best atmosphere in college football. Places like Bryant-Denney Stadium, Death Valley at LSU, Camp Randall Stadium, and Death Valley at Clemson all could be argued as far more terrifying and electric atmospheres than the “Big House.” Size seems to matter all too much to the Michigan faithful, and we know where that goes.

My point is simply that adding size to your stadium doesn’t make it the best. The Washington Redskins have the largest stadium in the NFL, but that doesn’t make it the best either. I definitely respect the Big House for its historical and cultural relevance to college football, I just think it has a little too much hype compared to others in its “weight class.”

“The Victors” is torture to the ears

There is nothing worse than “The Victors.” While I would easily argue in an objective debate that it is one of the most iconic in college football, it’s still damn annoying to hear. This weekend could come with mountains upon mountains of that inept tune ringing through Spartan Stadium as well. But every single time I hear it, all I can think of is a constant reminder of the insatiable hate myself and many other Spartan fans feel when we hear this song.

Hail to nothing, I hate this song.

Your players are insufferable and great at the same time

I will admit one thing, Michigan has some damn fine players in their storied history. You have some all-time guys and arguably the best quarterback in NFL history went to your school. However, there are those that seep through the cracks and have that right mix of greatness and detestability. Guys like Dennard Robinson, Mike Hart, Jabrill Peppers, and Desmond Howard all drive me insane. Hart, in particular, draws my ire not only by his infamous comments but simply how he carried himself.

There was a smugness when it came to Hart like he deserved all the success he had instead of staying humble. Robinson is on this list because of the hype he received. September Heisman, he was and it drove me insane, especially considering the guy couldn’t keep possession of the ball to save his life. Peppers is on here due to the fact he is the product of the Michigan media. He was a great player no doubt, but he wasn’t the best defensive player in the country like Mark Schlabach has stated or as dynamic as one would think. Enough of this overhyping when so many other players on the team are better than him. Howard is the worst of them all, though. More on him later, I absolutely promise.

Your history is not nearly as impressive as it seems, and you know it

This is a territory that doesn’t get touched very often, but it is something all Spartans know all too well. Your program has innumerable accolades. There are the 11 national titles, the all-time record for wins, and the incredibly stable run by Bo Schembechler. Under further analysis, those numbers aren’t as impressive as they would seem.

All of those national titles were won before the 1950’s except for one SHARED title with the University of Nebraska. Those 11 national titles are touted as such a bragging right, but unfortunately six of them were won before the second World War. How can anyone take that number seriously? Especially when you have schools like Oklahoma, Florida, Alabama, LSU, Ohio State, Texas, USC, Florida State, Miami, and Nebraska all winning multiple titles since the 1970s.

Now, this is where I get a little dicey for your tastes.

Bo Schembechler was an extreme under-achiever. Here’s a few stats just to prove my point: during his tenure as the Wolverines head coach from 1969-1989 Schembechler was 5-12 in bowl games, never finished No. 1 in the nation, finished in the top ten 16 times but only won three bowls in those years, and here’s the kicker, ZERO national titles.

Getting to know new Detroit Lions DE Aidan Hutchinson

Before you jump down my throat about what I just laid out, I would like to admit that Schembechler was a great coach, the best in Michigan Wolverines history. But he simply didn’t get the job done despite a ridiculous amount of opportunities to do so. By comparison, his counterpart Woody Hayes compiled a record of 6-6 in bowl games, five bowl victories in his 15 years in the top 10, and five national titles.

“The Big Ten needs Michigan to succeed” and “MSU will fall back to ineptitude with our rise” arguments

Both of these sentiments are utterly absurd. If we take into account the advent of Michigan’s mediocrity from Rich Rod’s beginning to Hoke’s end (2007-2008 season to 2013-2014), the Big Ten didn’t have many issues nationally. In those seven years, all but one of them had two Big Ten teams in the BCS. To add to this, seven of the twelve Big Ten programs (at that time before expansion) had reached a BCS bowl game. And to close this point, here are the results of the final Top 25 poll for the Big Ten in each season: 2008-four teams (two in top ten), 2009-four (three) , 2010-three (two) , 2011-three (one) , 2012-four (one) , 2013-three (one) , 2014-four (two).

The second point is equally egregious and also very near-sighted. The concept of Michigan State withering away back into ineptitude completely ignores what Michigan State has done since Mark Dantonio took over. They have been a pillar of consistency for the better part of a decade and have had only one hiccup seasons. It seems like the planets are aligning for a Michigan State demise yet again but let’s analyze this a little further.

We have two separate instances in recent years of what Michigan State is capable of, even when Michigan  is its typical Michigan self. Under George Perles, the Spartans were able to reach four straight bowl games from 1987 to 1990, finishing in the top 25 three of those years, and attaining three bowl victories including a Rose Bowl win in 1987. Michigan, in the same timeframe, were in the midst of a 30-year bowl appearance streak. The Wolverines finished in the top 25 each year in that four-year span and in the top ten three times.

The Saban era was also proof that State could succeed despite Michigan being the powerhouse we all know it to be. Saban’s tenure started out on the mediocre side with .500 finishes in his first four years. In his last year before he cowardly left East Lansing, Michigan State attained its first double-digit victory season since 1965. The Spartans had had their best season their Rose Bowl victory in 1987 and looked to be trending in the right direction before Saban pulled the rug from under MSU. Dantonio is here to stay and despite a hiccup of 2016, has brought the stability that Saban could’ve potentially had.

The Michigan Media and its byproducts

The Michigan Media horde is large and wide. The school has its reaches in all places in the country and especially in metro-Detroit. The tragic part is that many of the “Michigan media” types aren’t even graduates. Ones that actually graduated from the school seem to be more respectable than the wannabes; Mike Tirico and Rich Eisen come to mind. Desmond Howard may be the worst of the bunch with his smug nature on his program and active dismissal of Michigan State in every way. He has no right being on the excellent College Gameday program with his obvious homerism and putrid laugh (I utterly despise his laugh).

My problem with this cult of media personalities comes from all of the narratives that come with it. They perpetuate the two ludicrous statements I already addressed and tout up players that simply don’t deserve the level of hype they get. Dennard Robinson and Jabrill Peppers are obvious examples of this. Robinson can be spoken for already, but Peppers is a whole other animal.

Peppers received unbridled praise for his performances while at Michigan. The accolades went from being on ESPN’s “Heisman Watch” to being granted the “Midseason Defensive Player of the Year” award by ESPN’s Mark Schlabach. Both statements were obviously absurd and equally insulting to better players on his own team. The narrative that is struck by the Michigan Media forces those in opposition to fight over a tidal wave of hype and platitudes despite any evidence that is against their narrative.

The active effort to ill-legitimise the MSU-U of M rivalry

This may irk my very soul more than anything else on this list. You can combine numbers 10-2 and it still wouldn’t amount to the sheer deplorability of this asinine activity on the part of Michigan fans. This item outranked last year’s #1: Walmart Wolverines.

The idea that you are too good to care about your in-state rival that had even slightly caught up to you. The arrogance that comes with this dismissal is everything that is wrong with the Michigan Wolverines program. You are too stuck in the past and too stuck with the narrative of discrediting the Michigan State program in any way you can.

You all know we care about this rivalry. You all know we hate you and I can say personally there’s nothing (outside of obvious acts of evil or tragedies) that I hate more than the Maize and Blue. Two of our writers for College Sports on DSN have added to this attitude. They have continued to act as if nothing is of any consequence against Michigan State and we are simply another Big Ten opponent.

Maybe the worst part about this attitude is that the counter to any semblance of care for the Paul Bunyan Trophy is to tout up the severely overrated OSU-U of M game. “The Game” hasn’t been of any consequence in ten years, the Buckeyes have utterly destroyed you guys, and you act as if you two are such severe rivals yet we both are in each other’s space 365 days a year. Buckeye fans are only prevalent for a week in the entire calendar year. State fans are your friends, family, and co-workers. You see us and we see you and your baffling, unsubstantiated opinions almost daily.

How can any honest or intelligent football fan in this state ignore the hatred that has come? Michigan State is much more relevant as a program and the rivalry now has its iconic moment with the “Trouble with the Snap.” I saw those faces after that play. I saw the broadcast and all of the Maize and Blue fans after that game had ended for the subsequent weeks and months. If you REALLY didn’t give a #(% about this rivalry, then surrender cobra and all of your tears and anguish for that loss wouldn’t have happened.

You care. It may never be admitted. But it’s much like an old-school father’s love: you don’t need to say the words for it to be true. See you Saturday you deplorable football fans.


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29 thoughts on “Hey Michigan fans: Here are 10 reasons why your football program is a joke!”

  1. You are an arrogant ..
    Sparry. .. you don’t mention any of your historic accolades. Or historic players. Or historic coaches. Just your simple hatred for the MAZE & BLUE …
    Just beat Ohio State… Now there’s a rivalry…. That is intense and go back 100 years. Get with it sparty.

    • How many national football championships does MSU have? What’s the head to head all time match up record between MSU and Michigan ???????????

      MSU has 6 national championships in football with the last one being two years before MLK was shot ????. The head to head match up with Michigan and MSU has Michigan leading 71-38-5. Michigan kicks MSU ass waaaay more then not. With Michigan having a dominant superior winning record over MSU and a winning record in head to head match ups against everyone in the big ten including OSU even with them beating us every year except one since 2000’s came tells you that our football program is elite and beyond MSU. MSU has absolutely NOTHING to talk crap about in regards to Michigan whatsoever. Be glad that the refs helped MSU win last weekend. Because MSU will be ranked under Michigan when the season is over ????. Cheaters never prosper.

    • That was a pretty good comeback. Jesus was telling me to be sympathetic or empathetic, (mostly apathetic) to this obviously bat-shit crazy Spartan. Your reply has inclined me to go the other way. Essentially, you can’t start a premise by basically saying “yeah, you’re the shit, but I hate you because . . .”. I guess my least favorite accusation is claiming that we don’t respect the rivalry. Besides OSU(obviously), you punks are next in line for the frown and waving fist and it’s BEEN that way since I was a child. It’s hard for me to say publicly, but I actually like and respect your program, as long as you ain’t playing us. So shut up and be mad at the BCS for your BS ranking. On a final note, our chances of reclaiming our, according to you, ancient legacy are way better than whatever the fuck it is you THINK you got going on.???? sorry Ralph Mack, please forward that to Sparta for me. Go Blue 4 Life!

  2. MSU’s main issue is their winning percentage is much lower than Michigan’s. If they won at same pace as Michigan they’d have about 200 more wins than they do. Not as many since they started playing football 11 years after Micihigan. Michigan has the most wins which gives them highest winning percentage. Sort of go together don’t you think? They’ve maintained this for well over a century. A mark of excellence widely recognized. Just saying.

  3. I’ve been a Wolverine fan my whole life , but I support the big ten all the way . Sounds like your just GREEN with envy .

  4. I have been a Michigan fan for 50 years and you are absolutely correct! I wish it was different! I have gotten to the point where I turn off the game and will wait until Georgia or another SEC game is on! I can see that this year the only reason they are in the top 10 is a pretty good defense. Ooih Steta will totally destroy them AGAIN! The game this weekend should be a battle ????!

  5. Wow. State continues to be the little kid who dances in front of the TV for their big brother’s attention. We see you. Happy now? Lol ????

  6. i know you’re a rival but wow you would think that mich. stole your lunch money. You just proved by all that why mich. st. will always be looking up to us. oh well haters gonna hate.

  7. To Dylan Blair,

    Wow you have a lot of deep seated issues.  You sound like shitbird that gets angry when he doesn’t get his way.  Dude you really need to grow up.  I doubt anybody had the stomach to finish your dribble.  Did you poop your pants a lot as a teenager?  

  8. U of M has a totally phony athlete in the Flint Hall of Fame. He was inductedvin 1982. In 2 years 1938 and 1939 he gained 1950 some yards . That was the extent of his hall of fame qualifications. My dad Anthony T ” Chub” Guzak is in the Flint Hall of Famd for 3 baseball teams – 1936 Buick recreation, the 1943 1944 – Eastside Merchants. He is also in an individual for his outstanding minor league baseball career- highlighted by an allstar season in Albany new york. Also nominated for 1933 State Championship in football at Flint Northern high school
    And finally he’s Nominated forlChampionship basketball team at Northern and another baseball team . My dad played all 3 sports with Trosko at Northern. There is absolutely no way Trosko should have been selected over my dad. My dad was finally selected after he died. Yes I hate the great wolverines. Whatz to like Bout these phoney asses.

    • Yeah you’re right. Slapping the team logo on a helmet is waaaaay more creative than coming up with an original design. Get the [email protected]#% outta here you boring piece of crap Christmas tree.????

  9. You left out those UGLY ass helmets that look like they were designed by a 3 year old and telling everyone Highlighter Canary Yellow is called “Maize”. Oh, I almost forgot those 2 idiots on the radio that sound like 2 drunk old men who would love nothing more but to exhume Bo’s dead body just one more time to have a circle jerk in the booth! Sorry I could go on for days. Good stuff!

  10. WINE ( WHINE) is perfect to go with your cheese (JEEEEEEESE ) !!! This sums it up for all your “brilliant” clamoring !!! I wish for all your years of “PAIN” to not wreck your intelligence of life anymore !!!

  11. All this sounds like is a bitter fan trying to make the most winningest program in NCAA history look bad. Do you really think dark green and white is better than maize and blue. Your hating ass should pop some zanies and relax a little. Your team will never get close to the wins and legendary players that have won super bowl after super bowl. Has there ever even been any msu players that made it that far. Maybe a few but you can’t compare any NFL stat to 7 rings from one player. Today y’all got lucky with them hating ass refs not calling them 3 pi that made a difference. It’s all good though they do the same thing when we play OSU. You do realize your team will never make the playoffs or win a national championship. Man you clowns are really something with all the disrespect.

  12. There’s no worse color for a uniform than green, I’m not a Harbaugh fan, I thought he would be good for Michigan but he’s not. When people think of great college football programs Michigan is always in the conversation not Michigan state.

  13. I’m so sick and tired of Spartan fans thinking that their team is Top Dog when when Michigan State’s program is the worst team in football history right next to Rutgers the worst team in college football history. I remind you State fans your Championship rain is nowhere near compared to Michigan State fans are just too cocky your team ain’t shitt case in point this past Saturday Michigan state has to cheat yet again every time they play Michigan because they know they can’t compete with University of Michigan’s High Caliber of football. Michigan State fans are just straight-up f****** idiots your sore losers and sore winners whether you win or lose you still go out and start burning stuff down State fans are idiots just like Michigan State’s head coach Michigan State’s football program is a joke just like their basketball program. It’s just like State fans to talk s*** about a winning team. Spoiler Michigan State won’t make it to the Big Ten Championship they won’t even make it to the playoffs State buckles under the pressure every year. The number one reason why Michigan State’s football program sucks it’s Michigan State need I need to say more.

  14. u of m lives in the past all the time ! It seems like I can remember the big brother losing 11 of the last 15 games with MSU.This not Ancient History which u of m thrives on . You guys need to get a life ! When your ( coach ) makes stupid mistakes, punting to nobody with 10 seconds, putting a different QB in with just a few minutes to go and many other things I can remember. Then accusing the other team or the refs of cheating because they were for the home team is a big laugh, since you have played most of your games at home this year ! Get real and grow up little sister ! ! !

  15. I always find it funny the extreme disdain that most MSU fans or alumni have towards UofM. I come across a lot of seething anger (butt-hurt) over the Wolverines being a down right better team. Let’s just stick with the facts. MSU has some of the most wayward fan base of any college I have ever seen. Whenever they seem to be winning games they come out of the woodwork, but when your team is losing those wayward fans disappear and there isn’t a voice to be heard. The Wolverines are the “winningest” team of all time. As many times as I hear MSU is having a bad season, a “rebuilding season” it is sickening and makes me want to vomit. On a side note MSU isn’t even UofM’s biggest rival, it goes in this order: Ohio State, Wisconsin, and then MSU. So when Michigan loses against MSU it really doesn’t matter! Maybe to boo-hook MSU it matters because something happened ages ago when Michigan tried to ban MSU from the Big Ten. How does that affect the here and now? Reality check, the Wolverines are a better team!

  16. Wow are you like 5? Must be worried about getting a beat down this weekend coming you sorry ass ugly green pieces of crap!! I wouldn’t wear that ugly green if you paid me a million dollars!! Go blue forever fan!! So grow up and suck it up sorry losers!!
    We got this!!! UM/BLUE!!!

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